It is very difficult to learn not to give advice to people, specially ones childre. I am making progress.

daughters

It is a long time since I posted on this blog.
When they showed me my new -born daughter, I was in pain and the anasthesia had left me fuzzy and depressed. The first thought that came to me was "Oh my god, she too will have to bear this pain" and for that reason, wished she had been a boy.
Maybe mothers are a little tough on their daughters as they want to toughen her up for the painful experiences that she will have to go through. I don't mean that men do not have painful experiences, but in addition to the experiences that all human beings have, most women have a few more of the unpleasant kind.

There can be no end to what you wish to achieve. In the race to achieve her ambition, what if she misses the simple pleasures of life? After all those are the real pleasures....watching the evening sky redden, walking in the drizzle. What if ambition leaves no time for that.
Then when she achieves whatever she aims to, what if that is not enough?
I am apprehensive.

advantages of growing older, or of not being a young woman

There was a feeling of freedom that I felt when I first realised I was not a young woman anymore. I must have been around 40, when shopkeepers started addressing me as "amma". Initially, I was taken aback....who is the old lady they were talking to? But later, I realised that I can pick up conversation with autorickshaw drivers, chat with shopkeepers, address strange men to ask for directions..... When young, I could never have done any of those things. It opened up a lot of this world's small, but interesting experiences....I had nice chats with autorickshaw drivers, long chats with shopkeepers, gave advice to random young men....
That is the reason that in my middle age, I felt liberated and a strong sense of well-being. It is worth the knee pain and swollen ankles, it is worth not being able to run up the staircase, and it is worth not being able to digest rich spicy food.

My younger years went by in this feeling of having nothing to look forward to. Then for a few years, in my middle age, I had this great sense of well being. Now again I am back in my dumps......life has been quite good..there are so many people with real sorrows, real afflictions...I have none. Be grateful and enjoy what you have.

empty nest

The things that you read about, which happen to people, actually happen to you too! Surprise!!!!
One reads about the empty nest syndrome. I thought " It's hyped up. Ok it is sad to have your kids away, but think of what all you can do instead of making hourly tea for son and arguing with daughter about eating right" But "they" are right. It is terribly depressing. I find myself in tears for no reason. Last year, I was away in the beautiful hills, enjoying my long vacation and I didnt feel a thing, but now that I am back in my house, it is really painful. I am surprised.
In India, married couples of my generation and older, do not have any common interests except the children. Take the children out of the equation, you are left with nothing. I am glad to see that the younger couples, even my younger brothers and cousins, have a more sharing kind of marriage. We also gave up good careers to take care of the kids, since daycare was pathetic in those days. So now, no career, no one to talk to, nothing.... But this has happened all along...my mother's generation, and older women all managed, so why can I not? I am sure I too will manage.

dying

I seem to have this blog. Nowadays I think a lot about my old age since my parents are staying with me. It really scares me that I may become dependent on others. My father is undergoing the mental distress of not being able to go and do what he wants to... he has to depend on others. Still, he is lucky that he is fairly fit for his age-86- and that I do things for him most of the times.
I hope I die before I become incapable of doing my own work.

learning how to live

You learn how to live your youth when you are 50, and perhaps you learn how to age well when you are past 80.
We learn everything too late.
I think I am learning how to be happy with the life that I am living...it's a good life by any yardstick. But then, being happy or unhappy has got nothing to do with whether your life is good or not. There are miserable people who have enviable lives and happy people living in not-very-good circumstances.
Being happy, barring tragedies, is only in the mind..nothing to do with the outside world or the people therein.

The regular holidays we have nowadays due to the numerous bandhs are being wasted. i am not doing much in these days. That is the cause of all my problems in life....not making use of time

Nowadays I miss my children more than ever. Surprising. I had got used to not having kids around and was enjoying my leisure. It is not good when children move away. But good for the children though.

I thought I had learnt to control my speech. i still say things that I had resolved not to say. But I must say I have improved a lot.
If we lack control on our thoughts and actions, how can we control anything in this world?